It’s difficult for me to explain why I’ve been avoiding it. It has nothing to do with actually going to the gym, because I had a gym membership to another gym nearby…where I actually had to pay. I was surprised by my parents actually agreeing to let me have a membership. But I guess I was so massive that they couldn’t say no. Not saying that I’m not massive now—I mean seriously, saying I look like a boulder would be cutting me some slack. I could only imagine what I looked like before.
I don’t wanna think about it.
I stopped going to that gym because it was getting too expensive.
Anyway, I don’t know why I’ve avoided this gym. The free one, that is. I mean, I do know…but then I don’t. It’s a very confusing thing. Well, not really. I guess I just make it confusing.
I dunno. I guess maybe it’s because I spent every day, after school, eighth grade and half of freshman year there (which, okay, isn’t that long compared to what other people go through); and to suddenly have it cut short by a binge and a three-year standby of looking like a tub of lard sort of distanced me from it. Maybe it was because it reminded me of how good I felt with anorexia and how disgusting I felt after losing that control.
It’s weird how they work though. Eating disorders, I mean. You’re completely out of control (and you realize it at some point during the eating disorder…probably toward the end, before you’re found out) yet you feel so empowered—almost like you could take over the world and even manage straight A’s. It’s ridiculous. I was at the top of my game when I was probably doing my worst psychologically. Physically? I doubt it. I always see myself at the same weight—massive. I don’t know how to explain that either.
But anyway, that’s beside the point. When I stepped into the gym today…it was so weird. I felt out of place. I wasn’t there at my usual time (3:30-7:00 pm weekdays or 10:30 am-2:00 pm weekends) and the usual people weren’t around and the place smelled different and a new machine was (finally) brought in. I felt, literally, at home. But then, I felt so out of place as well. The entire time I was there I longed for nothing more than to go back to my eighth grade schedule: school, gym, home, crunches, sleep, repeat.
And to know that I can never have that back, kills me.
This probably made no sense but I thought I should write something on here. I never come on anymore. It’s Spring Break so, I guess I’m on here because I’m trapped in my head the entire day with no distractions. I should probably get a head start on school work…and piano. I have a recital coming up. But I really don’t want to think about all that. Tentacles—they’re always there.
Anyway, this post was equally as ridiculous as the rest of the ones I’ve written, but I’ll leave it up for your…amusement? I bet there’s (many) someone(s) out there who enjoys reading these for the pure sake of laughing at their sheer stupidity.
Though, even if there was, I don’t know how they get through them.
I’m sorry for my inability to write nicely. I guess I just don’t care.
But anyway, I’m sorry.
Binged on almonds and cereal. Scary thing is, I don’t even know how many calories it was. This was one of my worst binges yet. I can’t believe I ate that much…and there’s no way for me to get rid of it either.
And it put me at a 1200-1300 total today.
Ridiculous.
I couldn’t seem to keep my fingers away from the potatoes and ketchup. God knows what I looked like eating…inner piggy probably gleaming through my eyes.
I absolutely despise the act of eating. I can’t stand it when I have to watch my parents eat (like I did today but I’m one to talk I probably looked like No Face from Spirited away after gorging on anything it could find *note my lack of punctuation I don’t know why I’m not using it) or anyone else for that matter. I guess it’s one of the reasons why I don’t like eating in public.
Anyway, I slipped. Actually, it was more of a fall…off of a building…
I had those Belvita biscuits again today as well.
I hate myself more than ever.
(Source: taken-at-a-glance)
Said I would document my mistakes so I’m sticking to that.
I decided to binge on a packet of Belvita biscuits (4 biscuits). Now prepare for this shocker: 230 calories, and yes, I ate them all. I need to exercise but I can’t because both of my parents are here. My hatred toward myself is projecting itself outward toward them and everything is pissing me off currently and I swear to god if either one of them speaks to me I’m going to blow up.
I can never do anything right. Why can’t I ever do anything right?
It doesn’t matter the quantity of food that I eat, the type of food that I eat, or whether I eat that day or not, I always find SOMETHING wrong with what I do for that day, whether it’s not exercising enough, or binging on something, or a combination of the two.
It’s interesting how this works. Some days I hate myself because I have an extra piece or two of fruit, whereas (this is a more obvious reason to hate oneself) other days I hate myself for having a bowl of cereal or something of the like.
I wish it could stop. But at the same time I wish it didn’t. Does that even make sense?
I don’t make sense.
It’s 3 in the morning and my brain is filled with Chemistry and Calculus. I think I need to sleep now because piano awaits me. Au revoir.
